Nothing has any meaning in life, only the meaning you give to it.
You’ve heard that before, haven’t you? How far have you come to believe it?
It’s not what people say to you that is the problem. People talk! Yes, they do, and there is nothing you can do to stop them. However, it’s what you say to yourself after people say something unpleasant that leads to a problem.
Are you left behind with a feeling of dejection?
Let’s tackle that feeling, and banish it from our lives!
How to respond to confidence destroyers
Like we just discussed, people talk and it’s hardly possible to stop them. In such a case, how do you respond to negative comments coming from others with or without an intention to make you feel miserable about yourself?
For instance, when Candace wore a new bold pink dress to the office, her colleague Syrah said, “Yikes! That’s way too bright Candace.” With her nose up in the air, Syrah ranted on, “I would never wear something like that.”
What do you think Candace might have said?
“Eh… Yea… I did think it was too bright. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn it. Why did I even buy it?”
But no, Candace did not sulk or curse herself. In fact, this is what she said, and please note, with a twinkle in her eye J:
“I know Syrah, this color is really bold. But you know what; it makes me feel bright and happy. Maybe I could spread some of my vivacity to others around me. What do you say?”
You bet Syrah was quite taken aback. And you know what, a couple of weeks later, she might have bought herself a dress the same color!
Candace didn’t stop wearing bright-colored clothes. She could carry them off and was comfortable in depicting a vibrant personality. She believed in what she did.
Doesn’t this incident agree with the fact – No one can make you feel inferior without your consent?
It’s not what people say to you that affects your confidence. It’s what you say to yourself after they’ve stopped talking that either makes or breaks your self-esteem.
Every feeling you have tells you something, but you should learn to take your feelings with a pinch of salt.
Remember it has been made up by what you have been thinking and saying to yourself.
It will take time to learn them all, but build up gradually and you will start to build up your confidence.
Here are a few feelings and thoughts that you are sure to face sometime or the other. Check what kind of action you can practice in such a case.
FEELING: “I don’t feel confident about the way I look”
ACTION: Improve your overall appearance. Would losing or putting on (in case you are painfully thin) some weight make you feel great? If so DO IT! What clothes would your Confidence Role Model wear to feel good? Get a new haircut and treat yourself to some new clothes – it always makes you feel better and more confident. Buy something new each month and when you put it on, view it as your own confidence booster.
FEELING: “I’m afraid of that person – I’m never confident around him/her”
ACTION: Just remember, they eat, sleep, go to the toilet just like you do and mostly they have the same problems as you – they just don’t show it! Think – How would your Confidence Role Model deal with this person? What would they do?
Remember that confidence is about acting – they are just better actors than you right now. Think of the things you can do that they can’t do – how would they feel if the roles were reversed? Getting any closer?
FEELING: “I’m afraid of the feedback and reaction I’m going to get when I complete this piece of work”
ACTION: Hey, as long as you’ve done everything to the best of your ability, you don’t have to worry. And if you do make a mistake or two, what the heck?! Just learn from them for next time. A person who never makes mistakes is not doing anything. Those people who moan and groan about things always seem to do nothing. There are no failures in life as long as you learn from the outcome. You’re a winner!
FEELING: “I’m really worried about this…”
ACTION: Time to usher in your Confidence Role Model again (when did you ever let her/him go, right?). Would my Confidence Role Model worry about this? How would they deal with this situation? What would they do? In the grand scheme of things what will worrying do to this problem? Is there any action I can take to fix this right now?
FEELING: “My friends are really negative thinkers and this just festers onto me when I’m with them”
ACTION: Don’t get rid of your friends but make sure you surround yourself with positive and progressive people also. Surround yourself with people who are like your role model.
You know what your friends are like beforehand, so just accept them for who they are. If they are true friends just acknowledge that they are who they are and you are who you are.
FEELING: “I can’t do this”
ACTION: Oh yes you can! Break the problem down into small chunks and attack each chunk separately. Nothing is ever as daunting as it first seems. How would your Confidence Role Model do this? Think of a time where you have done something really difficult – think this through in your mind and play it over and over like a video recording before you do the task on hand.
FEELING: “I’ve never got enough money to do the things that I want”
ACTION: Ask yourself what you are doing about it? Do you have the “more month left at the end of the money” rather that “more money left at the end of the month” problem? Do you plan your budget? Do you know where all your money goes? If you answered yes to the first question and no to the next two, it’s time you made a plan of action. For all you know, you may need another career to achieve the lifestyle you want?
FEELING: “I don’t feel worthwhile as a person”
ACTION: Put down your strengths on a piece of paper. Don’t forget to list all your achievements in life from your exams, to when you passed your driving test, to the job interviews you cleared etc. Remind yourself that you’ve already had loads of successes and don’t feel so sorry for yourself. After all, no matter where you are in life, there is always someone who is worse off than you. Put things into perspective; ask yourself what your Role Model would do.
More Actions
We are not done yet, so pick up a fresh piece of paper.
Write down all of those confidence destroying statements that you say to yourself or others say to you.
Now, write down what you are going to replace these thoughts with after the statements are made.
Next to each statement, write down why it is downright twaddle.
Confidence sapping friends & colleagues
The people whom you hang out with, that is, family, friends or colleagues, will have either a positive or negative influence on your levels of self-esteem and confidence.
You are sure to have been around people who are positive, happy and pleasant.
They are the ones who make you feel a welcome sight any day, who smile sincerely, and who encourage you rather than weigh you down with advices and reprieves.
How do they make you feel?
Their personality rubs off on you too, making you feel positive, happy and pleasant. Such lively people can easily sprinkle zest into a boring atmosphere and can fill a room with constructive energy and upbeat vibes.
You must be familiar with the moaners too.
They are always putting people down, they don’t like others being successful, they are jealous and are negative thinkers. Phew! That’s a long list and it sure can go on.
Such people bleed your energy dry, bring down your energy levels and in a way take you a million miles away from the level you really want to be operating on. They try and urge you to join their team – a team of non-achievers.
Family members can be grumblers a lot of times, but you can always choose your friends; you can never choose your family!
So what should you do to make sure that the people you hang out with empower and support what you stand for rather than bring you down all of the time?
- You have the power to choose who you hang out with. Ideally, you want happy, vibrant and positive people. Say, people who are more like Candace and less like Syrah.
- If you have good friends who are negative and yet you want to hang around them, make a point of letting them know how you feel – if they are true friends, they will respect you for this. If they are negative from time to time, just acknowledge that this is what they are like and block out the negativity.
- The same can be applied to family. Your more mature family members have behaviours that have been conditioned for years. Appreciate where they have come from and like we said before, select and elicit the information that filters through to your brain.
- And remember to keep this statement in your minds always:
Nothing has meaning in life except the meaning you give it.
